it’s sad to see how much distance we’ve put each other into, we used to be so much! our dreams would go beyond the sky with each other, i know that life has drifted us to a point of no return, it’s sad, the one time in my life that i actually need all of you.. you arent there, god i told myself i wouldnt cry, there’s a pain in me that i just cant merely explain. for a lot of the things and hurts ive done for you im extremely sorry, i apologize, i apologize for the lies, the mishaps and quite frankly some of my bad decisions. you know how they say you learn from your mistakes? ive learned. but i know you guys all have your lives to live just as much as i do. but i wanted to tell you that im happy for you, all of you. your marriages, your kids, your happiness. i wish i could have been there with you as much as i said i did back then, and im sorry i wasnt. ive lost myself, i know. but at this specific moment in time.. all i can say is i wish i didnt miss all of that, i wish things were the same. but they arent and all i can do is wish you the best … to the “shapes” we used to be, thanks for all the entirely amazing memories, thank you for it all really. i dont know what to say to you anymore, its as if everything i wanted to say just drew a blank.. but if you can FEEL what im trying to say, please understand it isnt you being here physically that i need.. but honestly.. its the fact of knowing your still there that i’d appreciate.. its really hard for me.. idk where i went…
what does it really mean to dream? to find out that everything you can think of is only real in your imagination, nothing is correct in real life but somehow, in a dream you could have anything you want. to hope to achieve everything youve ever wanted could only be thought about in the mind, its the conception of a goal to reach this reality, but like all dreams theres a nightmare. Determining to yourself; “is this really worth it? is this really what i want?” in reality, there’s so much you must do to achieve this dream, to fulfill your wants, your needs, in truth, they are what stops you from reaching it, can you overcome it? or will you let the sorrow, difficulty and pain swallow you whole to the point to where the backdrop of your dream changes to something else, something that makes you feel better. something that, in the end you settle for. but what is settlement? is it choosing to no longer reach this dream of yours? or is it a change of heart? if everything were so easy in the world everyone would have everything they’ve ever wanted, but they don’t, everyone still struggles even if its not the dream they want anymore, why is it that we dream? it gives us false hopes of happiness, we wake up and realize that the real world, this world, will never play in your favor. and you have a chance of 1 in a million to actually receive everything you’ve ever wanted. and when you do, will you be happy? or will you see that everyone else’s dreams haven’t been achieved, the pride you feel, will it stay? will you feel the bitterness of conceit and no longer see the reality of this world? or will your empathy take over and want to help everyone to push them to achieve their dreams? the vision of a dream is only as big as you make it, never feel like your alone, and when your climbing up the ladder of success just think, “what is my reality? what is my dream? can i achieve it? or is it unseen?”
There’s no way one person can tell you to explain what you feel when you cant, when you can’t put it into words is when you rely on other things to express them for you, You tend to find your medium and use it at any time you feel like ventilating, but when that doesnt help and your stuck within your own thoughts you yourself cant explain what is there to do? its like suffocation of the mind. be it any type of feeling; Love, Anger, Stress, frustratin, and anxiety… there’s no way to say these things in depth of the verbatim itself channeling these feelings on to your own canvas is the one way to reach yourself and “let it out.” where do you go when you feel like showing this Beautiful mess to the people you want to express this feeling to?
You never know when time is up, you don’t know when your last day is, when whatever higher power you believe in decides that it’s time to take you back, in life there are 2 kinds of people, the kind of people that feel invincible and think that they’ll last a long time no matter what they do. And there’s the people who are afraid and live every day as if it were their last, all you need to ask your self is which one am I? being the type of person you are doesn’t determine when you’ll die, but it does determine how you cherish and appreciate every day you do live, life isn’t fair, it’ll take the closest person to you without warning and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, life isn’t a person, it isn’t an object ran by machines, it’s merely it’s own category, you can’t yell at it you can’t get rid of it, it will always be there the only thing you can do to it is be mad, angry and furious about it. You develop these amazingly great feelings towards the closest people such as family, and your closest friends, but what happens when “life” decides to take these people away from you? you cry, your angry, you wish it was you, you wish you can go back in time to have atleast 5 more minutes with this person, and tell them how much you cherish them how much you want to tell them you love them and how close they are in your life but you cant. you’ll never get that chance after life decides to take this person away from you. life can be so confusing but if it is one thing you should know is life goes on, as much as you don’t want it to it does, for everyone. so to everyone; cherish the ones you care about, always tell them how much they mean to you because in the end, you never know when life can just take someone away.
Seeing someone in pain because of a past happening or situation, you try to do the best you can to express how you feel about that person to not make the same mistakes again, you think that because your so close to them, they’ll listen to you but do they in the end? So your next step is to just let them make their mistakes and learn on their own, but during that process you still want to intervene because of the anxiety and how much you don’t want to see them hurt and in pain again, you get the same responses “I’m ok, I’m completely over it,” “Don’t worry about me I got it” you accept those answers and keep going but in the deep end of your mind you think; No you AREN’T ok, But I’m worried, You worry me. at this point, you feel like your opinion doesn’t matter because ultimately it’s their own choice so what more to do? let them feel the slap of reality? or let them keep these false hopes of emptiness and complete abandonment? because the more this person doesn’t listen to anyone the more effective and the more an addiction they don’t want is going to implant itself in their life.
interesting how the world works right? everything you can imagine can be perfect little do people know how inevitably your imagination will go away so quickly, you think of the good times, the bad times, remorse some things and adore everything else, you remember the happiness you once had and that’s the fuel you use to keep going. Life goes on, not as you expected but good non the less, you smile and think I’m ok, nothing can bring me down I’m stronger than ever! and then what happens? life slaps you in the face with something so scary, something that you think isn’t true but you got to believe it, you got to keep going, but where to go from here? your confused, no one understands completely how you feel, you feel like everyone is now staring you and saying “what a shame.” you learn and realize that from now on it’s going to be hard to be the way you used to be, it’s no longer easy to love someone anymore, your afraid, alone in the dark. When you think of who is actually there for you and can’t think of anyone all you think of is this silky red ink flowing everywhere poisoned by the dilution of dark and black. it’s permanent, there’s no way to remove this poisonous thought thats coursing through you, you regret even more, but what to do? falling and dying isn’t the option “move on” everyone says “keep going, you’ll get over it” but you cant, they don’t know.
so where to go?
back to imagination and think: it’s going to be ok. im stronger nothing can bring me down
right?
It hurts to lose someone after you’ve messed something so good up, you cant do anything to make it better because that person doesn’t want anything about love to do with you because of the pain you caused, where to go from there? you feel as if the life within your body wants to just die and go away, you consider so many things to do to make this pain stop when in fact, your only numbing the problem thats so fresh and so new, no one can help you heal yourself but you on your own. you want to escape reality, you want imagination to take over and force it to come true, you cry cause your hurt, cause of the guilt, cause of the infliction of pain you caused to someone else thats masking their pain far more better than you, you wonder why? how? how can they live their day without feeling at least one ounce of what i feel? you think its not over, not yet not until “I” say so. in life there’s challenges but there’s no where on earth that actually teaches you what to do just in case all of your emotions get messed up you feel as vulnerable as you felt when you first met this person you feel like starting over isn’t a choice, you feel like it getting “better” is going to take an extremely long time that you dont have the patience to wait you want it to happen now! you feel the desperation of anxiety and expression as if you were a shaken up bottle of soda thats just waiting to explode, you wish you can just let it all out but you cant because you feel like its going to come out and never stop.
So,
if this is how love feels…. should you love again?
